I'm a little worm, a moggot, a larva, and i'm spitting up all over myself. Making a mess, making myself a cacoon. It's time to change, to be reborn. I can no longer live my life crawling on the ground. I want to learn to fly, to be a beautiful butterfly (or a moth), and to pollinate flowers and stuff (whatever moths do). It's going to take some time to change, and I may be stuck in the same place for a while to do it. But a new day is upon me, and I refuse to be what I was.


(just finished my didactic, about to start my preceptorship. I'm loving it so far. But the real challanges lie ahead. Thing's are different this time.)

I had a great day, i'm so sad.

In the midst of a vast, even, medium, the highs and lows remind us what it feels like to be alive. I find that I cannot feel one without the other. In the pit of despair there is comfort, and in the thralls of ecstasy lies defeat. I think it is mistaken to wish only for one extreme. To wish only for the highs, for the happy moments, is to rob them of meaning. It is only in light of suffering that joy can be made real. And to shun the pain is to deny that which makes us human. The yin and the yang are to be embraced together, as one whole.

...

It's sink or swim for me,
and I want,
more than anything,
to sink.

Do you fear death?

The question so poignantly proposed by Davey Jones.  For quite a long time I have been able to say in all honesty that I have no fear of death.  I have lived a good life so far, and if the end should come, I feel that it has been enough.  If the good lord takes me tonight, I have had a good family, the closest friends, I have been in love, I have known sorrow and pain as well as ecstasy and contentment. I have loved the Lord and hopefully I have left a mark on the hearts of those I love.  

But lately. . .
I have begun to fear.
There is so much to life that I have not yet experienced.  It didn't use to bother me, but these days, the thought of dying soon terrifies me.  I desperately want to know what it feels like to graduate, to be married, to have children, to be a father (I think I'd be a good father), I want to see my parents become grandparents, I want my children to become friends with my friends children, I want to have my own family, I want to have my own boat. I want to grow old with those I love. 

I want to lose somebody close to me. Just to feel the intensity of the pain.  I want to fall in love and be cheated on, so that I don't have to experience it in my marriage.  I want to get married and stick with it no matter how happy I am. But by the same token, I want to get a divorce so that I can understand my parents more fully, so that I can relate.

I want things that most people don't.
When I tell people I want such things, I usually get such crazy looks, but I just want the human experience and all that comes with it, the highs and the lows, the agony and the ecstasy. I want to feel it all and live to the fullest. I'm envious that God was able to experience his own death and then contemplate it afterwards.  I wish that I could know that It's like to die and still live with that knowledge.



Whatever
-Jon

Grandfather

Sometimes I like to imagine myself in my golden years, old and wrinkly, I like to think of myself as having good relationships with my children, but they're somewhat embarrassed of me.  I dream of having grandchildren, and trying to teach them lessons they're not cognitively ready for. Giving them candy and money in an effort to ingratiate myself to them beyond their rival grandparents.  I see myself holding them, and loving them with all my heart. I never really had a grandfather in my life, one day I'd like to be that influence in someones life in a way that I never experienced.  However, I have this morbid belief that I'll never make it to that point. Some part of me is assured that I won't live long enough to fulfill these dreams, and I weep bitter tears for all that could have been.

Subzero fun.

You're my preferred route down
Cocoon similac frown
Forget what you lack
I still want you back
If you recognize me
Please just pass on by
Now it's everyday
They're all in our way
Except for this one
You've got a rubber soul
You've got the rubber sight
Before it gets too medical
Just get yourself together
Some subzero fun
You're my best eraser
Days can't go much faster
You won't cross yourself
When you're someone else
So watch your head now
Watch your head

paraphrased form "Subzero Fun" by Autolux
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SD67M_ZpJYk

Blocked Caller

I was playing a game with my friends today, when I received a call from a blocked number.  Typically, when I get a call from a blocked number I know it's my Father, so I answered under this assumption.  However, there was silence on the other line.  I kept saying, "Hello, are you there? I can't here you." until finally I heard a small voice, almost shaking, she said to me, ". . . I miss you." This has thrown me for a bigger loop than I think anyone really realizes.  I found out later, through many phone calls and lame explanations that it was just Erica Choi trolling me.  But in that moment, my mind was on fire, it was running wild with the possibilities of who might be on the other end of the line. Someone from my past, long estranged? Perhaps some sort of unexpected development from someone I know currently? Maybe a friend in need? I tend to over analyze things, and I've been running through situations in my head all day, the what-ifs. What was I hoping that call would be about?

Damnit,
-Jon